Tamara's Memories of 2007

These are the heart-felt words of my bride, Tamara, as she reflected upon 2007. May they bless you indeed as they did me! (Jerry)

sJanuary 1, 2008:
Memoirs of 2007

My Lord has blessed me with His richest blessings, and His love. He kept me through times of disappointments (re-affirmation turnout), deaths (aunts Althea & Barbara and 17 year old niece Jazz), depression, school, sibling tragedy (brother Herb), painful decisions and hurt from my children, and financial hardships.

Last year was a whirlwind. I celebrated 10 years of marriage with my first wedding ceremony, went on a honeymoon cruise and then things changed. Aunt Althea went into a coma and died. She died and was buried while I was away on the cruise. July 14th my cousin, Jazz, was in a car accident and died on the scene. She was one day older than my son, Aj. My son Aj had to be removed from our home and signed up for Job Corp because of his insolence, argumentative attitude, defiance and disrespect which disrupted the entire family. Through all this I had not slept steady for almost 3 months and became depressed. I lost interest in everything. I just couldn’t find joy, not in Stargate, my favorite snack or any of my comfort things. I cried a lot for what appeared to be no reason and I was easily aggravated. During this time we had a full house with a young mother and her 2 children who were homeless (9 people in total) and I had just started Hermeneutics II online with Liberty University. I had to keep a stiff upper lip and could not show my true state. I was too embarrassed to tell my family (church and biological) that I was depressed. My life was so dim. All I wanted to do was sleep but when I went to lay down I felt guilty so I would get up and try to work. Sitting at my desk trying to focus on what I needed to do, the computer screen would become blurry as my eyes would fill with water and I would begin to cry again. I thought about my cousin and how she had to die and if she felt pain. I thought about our finances and wondered how I could finish school when I couldn’t focus on anything and then I would go lay down on the couch again and try to sleep. Finally, I went to my doctor and told her that I thought I was depressed. That’s when she shared that lack of sleep could bring on depression. I was given a mild sedative and medication for anxiety which was supposed to “take the edge off”. Well, it took more than that off as the room began to spin and I began to walk sideways trying to get to bed. Apparently my system was to “pure” even for the mildest sedative. That was the end of that medicine for sure. Now that I remember, I actually laughed at myself for the first time in months because I couldn’t walk straight no matter how hard I tried. That moment of joy was brief as the world was closing in on me.

I forced myself to read the Bible and I tried to pray to regain hope because I felt so alone. Jerry was there and doing the best he could taking over my responsibilities in the home and in the ministry. The silence from God was deafening. Why wasn’t He helping me, why wouldn’t He answer me, why doesn’t He stop me from sinking… I knew His word was true and I clung to it as much as I could. I was like a shipwrecked survivor holding onto a piece of driftwood trying to stay afloat.

I did not experience a miraculous recovery and I still battle that feeling from time to time but I did begin to get sleep and without the medication. I actually took myself off of it 2 times but was admonished by a true friend and my doctor to continue. She said if I had high blood pressure I would take the medicine for my health so I need to be obedient and taking the medication prescribed. Slowly things began to get better emotionally. I felt a little stronger.

During that time we also struggled financially with no additional income to help with the additional house guests but by God’s grace and faithfulness I am writing on this New Years day still in our home and no bills that are late as of December. My sister Kai Shanks, (the same one who admonished me about the medicine) brought over food from her mother’s home following her mother’s passing). I shared with her what I was going through and how I didn’t let anyone know what was going on.

I am no longer depressed though my aunt was tragically killed when struck by a car on November 11th and my brother was almost in a fatal car accident 2 weeks ago. Jerry and I were delivering Christmas packages to the families from Prison Fellowship and TSN’s Dodge Park families when my mother called. We were just leaving a house in Bowie when she said, “Herb was in an accident and he’s in critical condition.” All I could say was, “okay”. Mom then said, “Dad’s on his way to hospital.” I said, “Where is he?” She said P.G. I stared out the window in silence angry at God for a hot second and then these words came to my mind and my lips, “I will bless the Lord at all times.” I will bless the Lord at all times.” I will bless the Lord at all times.” I calmly asked Jerry to take me home to get the truck while he continued delivering the presents. I knew the children where waiting to see what their parents in prison had gotten them. He didn’t want to but I insisted. Jerry has always been by my side with every tragedy. He’s been my rock in the flesh, but this time the Rock would be with me. I drove up to the hospital when I felt a moment of weakness and I reached out to my sister, Pat Jennings who prayed with me on the way there. From my depression the Lord taught me to open up and share. Call on the Body of Christ when I’m in need. I did and she prayed me through.

I met my oldest sister as I was told he was sent to the 7th floor. See that was relief because he couldn’t have been as bad as they said if they moved him. It was a mistake. He was still in ICU. My Dad met us back at the emergency room and warned us of his appearance. He said, “One eye is pushed back into his scull, he has a broken nose and a broken neck with cuts covering his entire body. Again, I felt like I was going into shock but the Holy Spirit gave me strength. Praise God, my brother was alert and talking. Just before his accident he called my oldest brother and sister and told them good bye and that he appreciated all that they had done for him and he was tired of living. He told me that as he was driving down the street he said, “God I don’t want to do this. Please stop me. Give me some kind of a sign.” Well, Herb is alive today and I think that is a big enough sign! I asked him if he got his answer and he said he sure did. See my brother had been a crack addict for most of his adult life and this night he had narcotics and alcohol in his system. He began to black out behind the steering wheel and could only remember hitting 2 things before being thrown from the car. He had no idea what part of town he was in. Well, he’s recovering and so am I. I am stronger, I am wiser, I am so much better now. Nat Thomas sung this song just last night at the New Years Eve service at Woodstream Church.

Father, you’ve brought me a mighty long way. You’ve showed me what its like to walk through the valley of deaths, emotional and physical pains (tendonitis in both of my writs), depression and tragedies. You’ve taught me to fear no evil because you are with me. Your word and your truth did comfort me. Surly goodness and mercy did follow me all the days of 2007 and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever!

Thank you Jesus, for carrying me when I had no strength to stand; for loving me when I couldn’t love myself; for sustaining me when I wanted to give up. Thank you for renewing me and creating in me a right spirit. Now change me, fill me up that I may use my life to help others in Jesus’ name.

Truly faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen because I had to walk by faith as I could not even sense Christ’s presence. The void was unbearable, but He was there. Amen.